I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
