Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
