I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
