Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
