After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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