We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
