You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
