Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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