be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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