Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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