Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
