she woke up with a sticky ear
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
