can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
