There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
