The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
