I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Why can't burritos get me drunk
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
