I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
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