How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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