I like my sex mixed with concussions.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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