I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize