He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
