I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
