I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
