the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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