Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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