Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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