Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
