Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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