i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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