so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize