by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
