I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
