My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
