Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
