no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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