i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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