One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
