Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
