he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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