last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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