i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
