The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
