cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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