You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
