I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
