The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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