Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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