I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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