You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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