can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
