hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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