I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
