then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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