He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
