i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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