I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
