Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
