Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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