just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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