woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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