There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
