Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
