Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
