You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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